Here'a tip...Don't ever move! I did and now I'm sitting around amidst more empty boxes than the Times Crossword at the Kardashian house. Due to this we have a truncated post this week, but hope to be back next week with extra sarcasticky goodness. And if you know me personally please note I'm no longer at my Mount Olive address and good thing since everytime I went to Mount Olive Popeye kicked the crap outta me...aaand there it is...and now here is this...

 

--First up our sympathies to Canadian Rocker Alannis Morrisette as regards her recent depression. Still we can't help pointing out that while rain on your Wedding Day is disappointing a woman who waits till age 38 to make sure she really wants a child and then suffers from post-partum depression is truly Ironic...

 

--And speaking of post-partum depression I think the mother's of some of my newest 15 year-old students are probably still suffering from it. Nonetheless the beauty of being in education is that there's always a holiday/break around the corner to temporarily free you from these snot-nosed bastards. So a big fat Tov Toda to all the Jewish families of our district for providing us with a 4-day weekend for Rosh Hashanah. If anyone needs me on that Monday/Tuesday check the bar where, I believe, I'll be giving new meaning to the term High Holidays...Shalom, y'all!

 

CFB

--Quickly some reader reply followup here...to DennisP(GNR) who guaranteed an Arkansas upset of Alabama on my FaceBook page...just missed! Seriously though I haven't seen a beatdown like that since the Irish Easter Uprising of 1916 and at least they had beer. Still I can't help but think if only Bobby Petrino hadn't rented Wild Hogs the whole Razorback season would be different...

 

A "red-faced" Bobby Petrino and his "toothsome" girlfriend Jessica Dorrell...because bad wordplay is what we're all about here...

 

And to reader IrishPat98 who wrote to us about our Lou Holtz bashing please note that "Dr. Lou Holtz" is an ESPN joke character. In fact Lou Holtz is about as much a Doctor as was Dock Ellis though the latter did have much more experience in the field of pharmacueticals.

 

MLB

--Today the Yankees sit 1 game up in the AL East and securely in a WC spot, if need be, yet each day there's more groaning and grunting on NY sports talkradio than Monica Seles starring in a porno.

 

The fact is this Yankee squad is a very good team, but not a great one. The generally astute crew at Baseball Prospectus picked them to miss the playoffs this year and their early season sprint to a 10 game lead seemed as much the product of the Red Sox ineptitude and Evan Longoria's injury than their own overwhelming talent. Then Longoria returned and the Rays picked it up while the Orioles started winning by 1 so often (27-8 in 1-run games) you'd think they were playing in the Bundesliga and everything tightened up.

 

I really don't get the boxes, the quill pen, what she's signing?...but that's why we're here...to learn...

 

Of course another fact to not overlook is that the Bombers are old. Practically every position player is on the wrong side of 30 and the staff has counted on the well-worked arms of Sabathia, Kuroda and even Andy Pettitte to carry a heavy load. On the one hand this is what makes the Yankees so consistent since you know what your getting year in and year out with star quality veterans, but at some point the Law of Diminishing Returns will come into play particularly over the course of a 162 game marathon.

 

All in all this seems to be as John Prine once put it a case of there being, "a half an inch of water and you think you're gonna drown" (or was it "half an enchilada and you think you're gonna drown"?). After all the Yankees have luxuries other teams, even playoff contenders, can only dream about such as having two closer-quality backups for Mariano Rivera (Soriano/Robertson), a quality vet like Eric Chavez to fill in for A-Rod and now Teixiera and the ability to purchase an Ichiro to upgrade a faltering Ibanez/Andruw Jones platoon that had already replaced Brett Gardner.

 

So get over it Yankee fans. You're not Burgess Meredith stepping on his glasses in that episode of The Twilight Zone. It's not the end of the world. There most likely will be October baseball and if that's not enough you can look forward to 2017 when A-Rod, Tex and CC's contracts are up and the Yankees will simply reload again by buying all those Royals, Pirates, Padres, Indians, Twins and Astros that will be the superstars of the future.

 

Perhaps the real reason Alex Rodriguez took to the DL for so long this season...

 

NFL

--Everywhere I go I carry a handkerchief much to the amusement/disgust of friends, colleagues and students. Now, I realize, having a mini-Hobo Pack of phlegm rolled up in your pocket is probably the least sanitary thing you could do since folks poked their fingers into President Garfield's side playing "Find The Bullett". Still there's a reason.

 

You see growing up my father was the George Washington  Carver of the Hanky. He had a 101 uses for it, among the least of which was blowing his nose. Today parents with infants carry around larger packs than Tenzing Norgay took up Everest, but I can still remember my father administering to my younger sister as a baby using the ubiquitous hanky as wet wipe, Kleenex, pacifier, distracting toy and diaper all rolled into one.

 

It's called "making do", but in today's consumer culture we've lost that imaginative ability. Everyone wants everything all the time and no one is content doing without. When it comes to Quarterbacking NFL fans are the same way. With the exception of the Patriots, Packers, Saints and maybe Lions everyone else covets a better QB at some point in time. However, unlike flat screen TVs there aren't 32 high definition QBs to go around so teams have to "make do" if they want to go far. Some compensate with great Defense (see San Francisco), others with killer run games (see Houston) and yet others by playing to their signal callers strengths and covering up his weaknesses.

 

When the Jets added Tim Tebow this year people screamed farce. But with Mark Sanchez, who's never been better than mid-20s in any standard or advanced QB rating systems, as their QB by default, the addition of Tebow was simply the Jets way of "making do".

 

In Week 1 this worked well. Tebow's Wildcat prescence seemed to help the running game as Shonn Greene, a player so slow if he raced a pregnant woman he'd finish 3rd, rang up a shocking 94 yds. and a TD as the Jet-skis laid the smackdown on the Bills to the tune of 48 points scored.

 

This week however the Jets play the Steelers in Pittsburgh and the real test of "making do" is generally how that jerry-rigged system can withstand pressure and adversity. If the two-headed QB idea can survive this week with the faith of the staff, the fans and the NY media intact, win or lose, and then deliver as an expected favorite in Week 3 vs. Miami this experiment might have legs. If not it might just be a big ball of snot wadded up in the pocket of another lost Jets' season.

 

Tim Tebow and "friend"...you know I really should start praying more...

 

FANTASY NOTES: QB-Last week we called Ben Roethlisberger a QB sleeper this year and though he put up only average #s last week we like him again today vs. the Jets. Pittsburgh's run game is a mess with RB injuries and OL juggling. They ran for only 79 yds. vs. Denver and while the Jets run D was gashed by C.J. Spiller last week that was after they had a 4 TD lead. Early on they held Fred Jackson in check and get 325 pound run-stuffer Sione Pouha back this week while losing Darrell Revis (concussion). Mike Wallace now has a game and a week of practice under his belt and new OC Todd Haley will take what is given him and that will probably be through the air vs. NY...Last week Matt Stafford threw 48 times vs. St. Louis and like the gay guy juggling 3 boyfriends that's a lot of balls in the air. Today they will, as Monty Python fans might say, try to cut down the tallest tree in the forest with a herring as they tke on the mighty San Fran run D with only Kevin Smith as a weapon. Bench Smith for pretty much anybody, but Stafford/Megatron should be fine if for no other reason than they may have to put it up 70 times to stay close in this one...RB-Our favorite RB play this week might be Jamaal Charles who goes to Buffalo. Shonn Greene put up close to 100 yds. vs. the Bills and he runs toward the goal line, if we can borrow another Monty Python-ism, with all the speed of John Cleese heading toward the Swamp Castle in the Holy Grail. One player, in this case Mario Williams, does not a defense make-just ask the Eagles and Nnandi Asomughua-so expect the speedy Charles to break at least one big run at Ralph Wilson Stadium today...Like the supposed ravishing beauty of Uma Thurman I never got the fascination with Beanie Wells, but word out of Arizona is Ken Whisenhunt says he's "committed" to Wells as the feature back. That and a trip to N.E. (held Chris Johnson in check last week) make Ryan Williams a sit this week. But we mention him because with Wells injury history and a stretch of games vs. Miami, St. Louis, Buffalo and Minnesota coming up he's a good back to hold or buy cheap...

 

Frankly I'm seeing more Eva Double-D here...

 

WR-As much as we liked Reggie Wayne on these pages I'd have been gettin' Tea-Bagged by Tony Siragusa before I thought he'd go for 130+ yards Week 1. Now word's out that Austin Collie has, unfortunately, suffered a setback with his concussion symptoms and not only is Wayne looking like a solid WR2 at a WR3 price, but don't be afraid to start TE Coby "Nobody's Cleaner Than Grandma" Fleener against Minny who let up 5 catches for 52 yds. and a TD to Marcedes Lewis last week...TE-Quick name the Rams Tight End? The Raiders? The Cardinals?...Never start these guys, but don't be afraid to start Bengal Jermaine Gresham vs. a Browns team that gave up 7 receptions and a TD to Eagles' TEs last week...I'm fried, in every sense of the word...More crap next week...

 

And if you thought..."Too much eye makeup"...you're officially old...