Mr. Fantasy Loser-Week 4
The following is a series I've been working on about something we can all relate to...getting screwed in Fantasy Football. I've been trying to peddle this to other sites so some of the jokes may be re-hashed, but I suspect you're probably the same folks who'd shell out a C-note to hear The Who get back together and play "Tommy" for the 97,000th time so deal with it...plus it's free. Comments are welcome and if you enjoy please tell your go-to Fantasy site they should pick us up for the rest of the year...
I believe it was 20th Century French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre who coined the Underworld defining phrase..."Hell is other people!" Or as he explained to his longtime mistress and ardent feminist Simone de Beauvoir, "...no, Honey, I mean 'other' other people." But I'm pretty sure ol' JPS never played Fantasy Football.
Those who have know Hell is a "game time decision"; Hell is a "Running Back By Committee"; Hell is a "first quarter injury"; Hell is a "TD overturned by replay"...and so on.
And when you own 16 teams in 16 different, yet all competitive, leagues Hell isn't a place you visit...it's your commute.
So in an effort to unburden myself and allow us all to share our Fantasy pain I've decided to chronicle my baddest of beats from each week here as Mr. Fantasy Loser...a name that is sadly more appropriate to my life than I might have wished...Enjoy!
TEAM: My Dinner With Dahmer
LEAGUE: Port Of Call-Bayonne, NJ FFL
My Dinner With Dahmer: QB-Rivers; RB-Charles, BGE; WR-Harvin, Jennings, Stevie Johnson; TE-Gates; K-Gostkowski; D-San Francisco
The Jets (how could I lose to a guy with this kinda imagination?): QB-Stafford; RB-Turner, Benson; WR-Welker, Amendola, K. Walter; TE-Rudolph; K-Hanson; D-Houston
PreGame: I've deleted the 14 e-mails in my spam box...why is it everyone has either seen me in a disturbing video or wants to enlarge my penis (I hope those two aren't related)...have my 12-Pack of Blue Ribbon, $1 store chips and just strapped on my Adult Diaper (I never miss a play) so let the games begin!
First Quarter: Percy Harvin returns the opening kickoff 105 yards for a TD, I drop a deuce in my Depends and suddenly I've never felt freer. Good start!...Jamaal Charles first carry goes for -11, that's the kinda ground you seldom see yielded this side of the Iraqi Republican Guard...Just noticed my opponent has a trifecta of caucasian WRs, not sure if he's racist or just put that Jim Crow Corp together by accident...Stafford being held in check, but methuslean Jason Hanson hits an early FG and manages not to break a hip. I still got off easy...More worried about the Carolina defense vs. Michael Turner. I've seen drunken, nymphos put up more resistance than the Panthers Front 4, though that may say more about me than their rush D...No sign of Stevie Johnson yet has me worried about re-aggravating last season's injury. Is it unhealthy to think about another man's groin this much?...Off The Marky Mark Sanchez looks abysmal vs. my D so thinking I can pick up some cheap points on a defensive TD...We're neck-in-neck early.
Second Quarter: Kielbasa-legged Gostkowski misses another FG. After the "game-losing" miss vs. Arizona word was he tried to commit suicide, but couldn't kick the chair out from underneath. I'm going waiver K next week...Johnson was apparently cleared by the team Groin-ocologist and is on the board with a catch...Somebody named Johnny Hekker just hit Amendola for a TD. Says on Yahoo! he's the punter. Leaving me to ask what the Hekker ever happened to kickers throwing like Garo Yepremian in Super Bowl VII?...Reason #1 not get the NFL Red Zone package as I now get to see BGE fumble on the 1 yard line going in....Chargers are rolling, but Gates is as useless as the Fire Department on The Flintstones (what's there to burn?) and my point tally has ground to a halt...Quick name all the Lions kickers since 1980. Answer: Eddie Murray, Jason Hanson, end of list. JHans just drills another to outscore Gost-miss-ski 6-1 in the first half and I'm digging a hole here...Speed kills! Jamaal Charles turns his day around with a 37 yd. TD which is why you have a Charles and not Shonn Greene who plays RB like a Roomba moving slowly, haphazardly and seeking out things to bang into...Looks like anyone's game at this point.
Halftime: Is it just me or does listening to Terry Bradshaw call highlights feel like your watching an episode of Honey Boo Boo meets Hillbilly Handfishin'?
Third Quarter: Just noticed the Bills blue uniforms with the white band around the collar make everyone look like Jim Otto, or in Stevie Johnson's case play like Jim Otto...Michael Turner came into Sunday's game with 1 yard receiving and a YPC only slightly higher than his recent Breathlyzer reading. Today he has a 60-yd. TD recept and a YPC approaching the Unemployment rate, of course...Just noticed that Jake "Davy Jones" Locker was knocked out of Titans game and Matt "Capital One No" Hasselbeck is getting picked more than the Smails kids' nose in Caddyshack. A second one goes back for a score and, like my drinking, things are getting away from me pretty fast...Fortunately Santonio Holmes goes down in a heap and San Fran returns his non-contact fumble for 6. Plus though Gates has only 50 yards the final piece in my opponents Affirmative Inaction pass catching crew, Kyle Rudolph, is getting shutout...Now Matt Stafford, a non-athlete so slow if he raced a pregnant woman he'd finish third, runs one in and I officially hate Fantasy Football for the 97th time this year.
Fourth Quarter: Charles is putting together a 20+ point day, but with a big lead San Diego's offense has become about as imaginative as Ralph Kramden's Interior Decorator so Rivers is stymied in the mid-teens...Percy Harvin may have the speed of Tim Raines, but he shows up like Claude Rains. Six touches for 34 yards ain't cutting it from a 4th rounder...Meanwhile Welker and Amendola are seeing more balls come their way than Clay Aiken's chin and Charles' efforts are slowly being ground away...Forget the Jim Otto jersey Stevie Johnson should get a red-and-white striped one because he's harder for Ryan Fitzpatrick to find than friggin' Waldo. When I drafted DHB I wasn't sure if I was getting a WR or a vial of the Date Rape drug, but I need him back bad...Down by 1 and we have a player each going late. This sucks!
Overtime: His Cedric Benson vs. my Greg Jennings. With New Orleans D allowing foes to score 34 a game Packers should be racking up points like Lindsay Lohan's drivers license so it might be first one to 20 wins...Cobb and Finley get involved early then James Jones finds the end zone as Rodgers proves he has more targets than Sarah Palin's website prior to the Gabby Giffords' shooting...There's been a Donald Driver siting, but still no Greg Jennings until Rodgers hits him from 9 yards out and I'm up bya precarious 3 at the break...It's never good when you think, "I wish I started Davone Bess", so chances are slim as Jennings leaves with an injury and only the TD to show for it...Benson's chewing up ground like he's at the Somme in 1916, but despite no single run in double digits the entire game he "3 yards and a pile of crap's" me to death with 84 yards on 18 carries...I lose 102-107...or as Dickie Roberts would say Nuckin' Futs (no, I couldn't make it through the whole movie either)...
We'll be back next week with more of the Loser's Laments because there's Death, Taxes and Getting Boned In Fantasy Football...